Ramble ramble Ramblings

Hey all. I'm gonna sleep soon but I guess I insert some stuff abit here. Currently suffering from insecurities in my life, but it will pass soon. I hope =_=

Anyways, I was thinking of asking mom to lend me her credit card to buy the print account from DeviantArt (KID!!! Do you actually MAKE anything from there?!!), which my mom shot that idea down and insisted money order.

... Honestly, I really don't know how to use money order =o=

Anyways, I was thinking of adding additional services on my LJ and probably my website. Selling old junk I have and probably do some sewing and sell as well. What you call it? EBay? lol But since EBay charges and I need a credit card... I'll stick to bank draft, money order and PayPal (eventhough I can't withdraw any money from the account in Malaysia, but if I DO go overseas to study, I could do so... :D Otherwise, I'll use it to purchase my print account and
pay my host.. and possibly my other accounts like LiveJournal and PhotoBucket. W00t! Hell, I'll even help friends buy the print account using paypal and THEY give me the cash. :D)

Sewing...? Yea, I promised an OMG hat with her preferred alterations for accidentally (honestly) forgetting her birthday. Which led to her boyfriend, Neo to come and asked for one too. lol Hey, the materials for yours is on you lol.

It looks like this.



I'm making one for myself too... W00t! :D

THIS kind of sewing services lol. And maybe I help mom to sell some of her beanies :D Hmmm...

Anyways, currently on the HIGH about NightCrawler... Gawd knows WHERE the obsession came around... and NO, jewel... I like the comic version. NOT the movie's one. He looks too.... dorky blur. The only time he looks real good is when he is set to kill the president. :D

And the irritating part is I found out the movie had cut scenes... and when I found out what scenes were cut off.... I had these to say to those directors and the donkeys in charge of the editing...

WA-------------------STED!!!! I really really REALLY WANT to see Wolverine and Nightcrawler in ACTION!!! COME ON!!! >O<

So far I had downloaded the cartoon series of X-men (yea yea SHOOT ME!!) season 1 and season 4. THE FAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK?!! Where's the torrent for 2 + 3? *sobs*

To those who wonder how's my diet going on... I think I am in deep shiet trouble... It is steadily and SLOWLY dropping down to 115 pounds... O_O It is going for 52kg.... whoa.

The next thing I'll hear from June's mom would be, "MY GAWD, NiYan!!! You're so SKINNY!!!"
I would know... =_= Mom went all "Don't try to be an anorexic!" on me. Hell, I love food so much, is it THAT possible of me to be an anorexic?!! Bweh!

I found an interesting online making thingie... and now testing out how far and good it works. Only problem is that it pays through PayPal OR if I want check... I'd better ship myself to America for a permanent residence.

Well, since it is free and what they want me to do is easy, might as well give it a shot. When I get my first $25, I'll tell you. :D

Hectic Shopping Day!

*ties her hair up with a crocodile clip*

Heya peeps... due to unforseen circumstances...

*gets pelted by tomatoes*

Anyways!!! :D YO PEEPS!!! Just recently recovered from my sunstroke... ma~~~n! These days are getting hotter by the YEARS!!! Is Mother Nature trying to say or prove something?!! I surely FELT her melting moments... gurh!

And because of that... pimples attack like mosquitoes swarming for blood..... GEEZ!!!

Alright! Welcome back to all fellow friends from overseas! Having fun now in Malaysia, thy sweet homeland? For some who don't like it, quit spitting, thanks.

Today is the almight infamous yearly (I think) sale for Jusco members through out Malaysia... and I set off with Mom at 6PM.

(and the BASTARD bus got us to MidValley at 7PM..... BAH!)

Ate some Thai Japanese fusion food... 2 set mono set meals (light portion, large taste)... Well HELL it WAS a light portion... One HUGE bowl of rice and 3 teenie weenie tempura..... *shoots* If it wasn't for the refill drinks, the little hot salad and egg.... I'm gonna eat the plate for good measure.

Went past the supermarket and sampled 'misai kucing' (Cat's whiskers) tea... yes, it is a name of a plant. Stop looking at me like that. Lovely smell and very light taste.... But I would say these day, people is finding more things to turn into tea... =_=

Managed to squeeze shove through the crowd and fished out 3 shirts and 3 pairs of shoes! *wiggles eyebrows* It had been... *counts* 5+ years since I got my yearly high heels and this year I bought 2 pairs of black office shoes, 1 pair of plain shoes, 1 pair of sneaker, 1 pair of male boots and a pair of ankle high heel boots. *swings a fist to the air* WAHAHAHAHA!!!

But I doubt I could wear the black cool boots in this forest weather anytime soon without ruining it =_= *drags it to overseas*

We spent RM150+ and ran to look for the voucher redemption counter which is available on every floor... We were on the first floor but couldn't really find it due to the crowd, reconfirm there was one upstairs and UP we go...

And SERIOUSLY... The LAST thing I wanna hear was that the said counter is 2 FREAKING floors DOWN..............

And yes.... there WAS a counter on the floor we were on... I was that close to throwing that promoter down the escalator.

Amusingly.... The queue was loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong. Amusing. Yes.

Managed to get the RM10 voucher (cheapskate) and we RAN to the bus-stop. It was 9.50PM and the bus will arrive at that very time.

Reached there within 7 minutes only to find out the bus back home will come in 5 minutes.
Well, at least we get a good place to sit. Whee~~~!!!

Though I don't like the fact the idiot behind me seems to be enjoying shoving chair to and fro while I speak to my mom.... And when I ask her to check... the guy pretends to sleep... blinked his eyes open, looked behind again, he looked out of the window... yeah....

¬_¬ Bastard!

I guess that pretty sums up today's happening. Didn't bother including eating congee and Orange MacFizz at MacD, dropped my jacket on the road blabla on the way back :P

And yes, I am in front of the computer. Saying.... The End. :P

...

XÞ

Life decides to be ultra mean today

... hello everyone....
it had been a long time since i last written an entry, no?
do i need an explanation for that... i guess i will tell since i need somewhere to pour out my.... what i had been moping about.

some may take offence in this entry... but by the time i finished typing... i guess i could take in more flames by then.

how often had i been listening to people..... and how many times had i helped them in that?
yea i know i shouldn't start counting the owes and such... i guess i am pretty good in comparing and finding mistakes and solutions.
pretty innocently though... i couldn't seem to identify my own problems. the problem is there... but it is evading me pretty well... though others may see it, i can't.
what is the problem called? insecurity. hopelessness. and large amount of depression.
the usual drugs. damn.

since small i had been an outcast (honestly, how many of us claimed as that?)... i am able to make friends but some people just don't like me... and slam that information into my face when i just wish to greet them for the first time. why? because i am a nerd... because i am from an average family.... and i am a bastard child. really, how do the people of my generation knew not to be close to me when i myself do not know? it is like i am a mosquito and everyone is out to get me.

being able to make friends is one thing... but i can't seem to keep them for long. everytime i say 'this is my best friend', the person will either betray me... break my heart... and some other people decided to shove a nice smelly shoe into the relationship to keep the friend i adore and came to care.

now i have a better friend... i dare not say anything to change it.... and the relationship is not as close as the recent broken friendship i used to have.
i am keeping secrets... and if i want to share with her, it isn't easy for me to express.

i can't be alone... i shouldn't be alone... i know i couldn't go on much if i am alone. i need contact... and i need bloody damn alot.

having no friends in my own college for forking two years had made a mark in me. seriously, i had become more depressing... more... careless in some sense.
and my studies are showing it and it is a bad sign.
mom isn't happy... no... neither am i.

hell yea i am selfish. i'll be damned WELL i don't SHARE... but i really don't appreciate people stepping on me because my character is not to their liking. yes, i do sit on chairs in many awkward manners. i tend to be a bit too.... loud for a girl. in fact... i was told i was being too friendly to the adults behind the adminitration desks and the principal and lecturers. too friendly in such a sense that they are my equal.

in my opinion, WHY NOT?!! he/she is no king or queen... maybe someone older and better rankings... but human nontheless. even if he is the prime minister, oh hello! shake hands! go off. i don't know him very well and i don't see why i should converse with him and get closer with him for whatever thrilly reasons. i respect every individual in different ways. oh meet the king! bow! kneel! and shut up. i will refuse to talk to him. why...? hell yeah i want to keep my head where it is. i am too friendly... too casual to everyone.

screw that fact! i've been stepped by adults who thinks they are superior.... because they are older and i should worship the very ground they walk. i am sorry, i can't do that. because i don't know how and i doubt i could and will learn.

'father' is very fatherly... and many people tend to enjoy REMINDING me... in a very bad way. hell i DO know why someone is missing in the party.. hell i KNOW why i don't have a strong support behind me anymore.
no matter what, he is a biological father and he did a damn good job to keep me secure.
mom is doing in a kindly... gentle manner. almost in a scared manner as i do have my father's fury at times. not.working.dammit. i need a support, i need strength! i need something to keep me going! putting my career dreams in front of me is not working when i am not allowed to make my first choice real. i wanted to go to TOA dammit... no, i don't want to know other colleges nearer... no. DAMN!

my interest had practically went beyond negativity.... my motivation alone... standing on my own very small undeveloped support.................................... could you see it?

i had failed a number of subjects and during the first term... i will be repeating 1 subject and resitting 2. now the big catch... last term is my final term and guess what.... i couldn't attend the presentation for the final project. why? because i had been absent. double why? now that's the problem.... i just... don't want to go..... no matter what. i just can't FACE that class for whatever reasons. i just couldn't. TRIPLE why? fear... depression... suppression.

telling me that my 'father' will be so proud of me because i am failing WILL NOT WORK, DAMN YOU, MOM! stop rubbing THAT into my face! you are making it worst....

and now i had this sudden spark to go to TOA to improve my drawing skills. and i will start on this VERY TERM. i need i really NEED to push my body back into gear. i want to be how i am when i left secondary school. full of anticipation and enthusiasm. i need it back. because i miss the thrill.... the happiness created from it.

if i must PUSH even further... i will WORK! i INTEND to work! why?!! because i want to push myself back to my original self... so that i could go overseas. THAT's WHY!!!
but i am doing a damn bad job on picking myself up. friends will be friends but they do have other friends....

i guess i am all on my own this time.... time to learn how to move on now...
but i do have a wish... i hope my 'father' leaves the house immediately. i don't want to see his face. such an awful reminder in the house that he is doing a bad job on being a father. stupid traitorous support.

time for me to go down and have a slow talk with amy on how shall i reduce the damage of my final term. hell, i know i can't go for the class but is it possible for me to repeat on a lighter note...

see you all... if there is all...
you will all know how much i fare in picking up what was left of me and what had become of me when i mold it back....